Besides the heartbreak, I’ve done a lot of things since I left tumblr. I graduated high school, got into three universities, my family didn’t let me go because it was too much money, now I attend southwestern college and it’s hell, i had like three job interviews but never got the job, lost all of my high school friends, I only have 3 friends but they’re away at uni, I moved in with my sister hoping to get away from my verbally abusive mom, I changed my major to graphic design and marketing, tried making friends at school but it never worked out, went to outside lands and saw Radiohead, got a tattoo, my family hates me for getting a tattoo, joined the gym but then slowly stopped going, now my sister is leaving for deployment and I’m stuck with my mom again, and I’m probably forgetting more. Things were going really good for a while but then they just got bad again. I plan to focus on myself more and remember what my goals were. I also don’t plan on dating for a very long time. I don’t really know what my plan for tumblr is… I might come back just to rant and document my life just for myself to look at later.
It’s Sandra and I’m back (maybe). Something bad recently happened to me and I just realized that it’s happened to me before. That same reason why I made a tumblr and shared my feelings with my tiny amount of followers who probably think I’m crazy. My heart was broken a second time. The first time was by a boy in my freshman English class and he led me to believe that he liked me. Once I realized he didn’t, I had so many questions and emotions running through my mind. “Why would he do this to me?” was #1. It led to depression, anxiety, and self harm. I felt useless in the world and I know it’s an overreaction but I was 14?? of course I was going to overreact. It took me 2-3 years to get over it and to realize my self worth. I made a change for myself. Then I got to a point where I was strong enough to try dating again (my junior year). I hit up a guy I had known for a very long time and I always had something for him. When I texted him I told myself this was just something to experience and I shouldn’t expect anything because boys suck. Little by little we start to fall for each other. Then it was all at once and it became too much for both of us. I fell in love for the first time, like real love. I thought real love was a fantasy and bullshit and no one could ever love someone else that much. I knew what I was falling into and I was scared of getting hurt but he promised we’d be together forever and that he’d never hurt me. I allowed myself to fall, hoping he’d fall with me too. It wasn’t until recently that his love faded. I ended up falling, sinking down this hole and he just watched me from above. Now I’ve landed on my back, crying, all alone, watching him walk away from everything we’ve ever been through. He walks away with ease, to something stupid and pointless. To something that I could never forgive him for. I’m back where I was my freshman year and it’s time for me to get back up.
It’s hard to see someone who has so much freedom in their life when you constantly compare it to yours. I know what I want and I know who I am. The only problem is the things that hold me back from expressing that. Honestly the only thing really holding me back is myself. I need to learn to stand up and get what I want. I’m tired of the same things. I’m tired of the same people. I want new and exciting. Inspiring. Something!! I sound super lame saying all this but I need to grow up. I need to start figuring shit out on my own. It’s not even that complicated but I just make it seem that way. I’m over that. I need to get a job, meet some people, and just live!!! Live!!!! LIVEEE!!! For so long I’ve been wanting to work on myself again by going to the gym. Just because I’m happy with myself doesn’t mean I can’t stop improving. So over the next few months I’m going to start working on me. It’s going to be fucking hard but I want it so bad!! I’m going to try and get four periods (which is hard at my school), get a job, and join the gym. I’m also going to stop stressing so god damn much and go out more. I want to work on my friends and meet new people. I also need to find a new major because I don’t think nursing is right for me. I just don’t want to stay stuck in one place!! Oh yea so this hella long post was pretty much me saying goodbye to tumblr for a really long time. I’m going to delete Instagram app for a while and only post when necessary. Idk about snapchat most likely??? It’s ok if you unfollow me and if you want you can follow my ig or add me on snap: sandrasux. GOODBYE TUMBLR! It’s time to get on with life!! I’m looking forward to it.
